Know Your Harry Potter Stars
by Misshapen Stories
Summary: Oh yes, the evil voice is back! This time to torture the stars of Harry Potter! CoCoIves
1. Victim 1 : Harry Potter

**Chapter One : Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer – **Misshapen Stories does not own Harry Potter or Know Your Stars.

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ACI was sitting her big comfy chair, waiting for her first victim to arrive. Suddenly Harry Potter barged in. He walked around blindly and managed to find the couch and sat down. After looking up and down, he blurted out:

"Hey, where are my glasses?"

"Know your stars, know your stars, know stars." 

"Huh? Whose that?"

"Harry… hates Cho Chang."

"No, I don't and who are you?"

"Be quiet, that's none of your beeswax." Harry shut up.

"Harry… _really_ hates Cho."

"No, I don't."

"Fine, Harry thinks Ron is gay."

"NO, I don't."

"Harry can only pronounce three words."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE AND I DON'T THINK RON IS GAY!"

"Yeah you do, you know cause your gay too!"

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"Well then why do you like making big eyes at Dumbledore?"

"NO I NEVER DID THAT AND I'M NOT GAY!"

"Well we have proof. Yo run the tape."

(Tape)

"I am gay!"

(Tape)

"YOU LIAR! YOU JUST RECORDED THAT SOMEWHERE WITH MY VOICE!"

"Fine, Harry is a lesbian."

"I'M NOT A WOMAN!"

"Harry wishes to be a woman."

"UGH! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

With that ACI quickly ran out of the building with something in her hands…

"GIMME BACK MY GLASSES!"

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Heyhoo! Well, that was the first chapter and I hope you liked it. Next will be Hermione! One more thing……yyyoooouuuuu mmmmuuuuusssstttttt rrrrrrreeeeeeeevvvvvviiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww.


	2. Victim 2 : Hermione Granger

**Chapter Two : Hermione Granger**

**Disclaimer **- Misshapen stories does not own Harry Potter or Know Your Stars

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ACI wondered who her next victim would be when suddenly Hermione barged in.

"Ron, are you in here?"

"Know your stars, know your stars."

"Huh, what's going on?"

"Sit down, you fool." Hermione sat down.

"Where's Ron?"

"I sent him to the nut house, now shut up."

"Know your stars, know your stars."

"Hermione is using Ron to get to Draco."

"I like Ron and I hate Draco."

"Okay fine, you like Ron and Draco."

"No, I don't like Draco."

"So you're using Draco to get to Victor?"

"No, I don't have any relationship with Draco or Victor."

"Okay, you hate Draco and Victor, and love to eat checker boards for breakfast."

"No, I think nothing of Draco and Victor and I don't eat breakfast."

"OMG Hermione doesn't eat the most important meal of the day!"

"So?"

"No wonder you failed in those exams."

"You're blaming my loss on breakfast? And what exam did I fail?"

"Wait so you're blaming it on lunch?"

"No, I'm blaming it on myself."

"Wait so you don't eat breakfast or lunch?"

"That's not the point!"

"Wait, you don't eat at all?"

"Yeah I do!"

"OMG HERMIONE IS A ROBOT AND DOESN'T EAT!"

"Yeah I do!"

"I wonder how Ron did it with you if you're a robot."

"I AM NOT A ROBOT!"

"Maybe you took a women's vagina with your evil robot laser eyes."

"I AM NOT A ROBOT AND HAVE MY OWN VAGINA!"

"You robots need to have it a lot don't you, I mean you just shouted a mating call."

"I AM NOT DESPERATE!"

"I heard there's a safe Internet website for that stuff."

"I don't have a computer."

"Wow what age are you living in, the 12th century."

"No one in my time has a computer."

"Wow your time sucks."

"Yeah, I know."

"Well I guess you'll have to be desperate forever than."

Hermione has left the building.

"That was fun," ACI thought as Hermione asked Ron if he thought she was a robot.

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Well, well, that was the second chappie! I hope that has satisfied you until the next chapter arrives. Next will be Ron! Don't forget to review…. or else……………..!


	3. Victim 3 : Ron Weasely

**Chapter Three : Ron Weasely**

**Disclaimer - **Misshapen Stories does not own Harry Potter or Know Your Stars.

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"What -? OOF! Ouch! Why is it so dark?"

The lights flickered on. ACI sat in her comfy armchair, fingertips pressed together, smiling evily.

"Know your stars, know your stars..."

"What? Oh -" Ron swore," You're the one who insults everyone, aren't you? Hermione said that you said that we had 'it'. Well, we didn't, you know? you're wrong."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. You do know what I mean by 'it', right? You know... in a bed, laying down, no clothes... that kind ot 'it'."

"You had 'it' STANDING UP!?"

"NO!!"

"How did you guys manage 'it' SITTING DOWN?!"

"WE DIDN'T HAVE 'IT' AT ALL!!"

"Oh really? Then tell me why on earth are your ears turning red like they always do when you get embarrassed?"

Ron's ears turned so red it was not even imaginable.

"I - you - we - ARGH!"

Ron stalked out of the room.

"Well, that was fun..." ACI said with a small sigh.

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Yep, the third part is up and running. Now before you so kindly review, may I also remind you that part for is Professor Minerva McGonagall.


	4. Victim 4 : Minerva McGonagall

**Chapter Four : Minerva McGonagall**

**Disclaimer - **Misshapen Stories does not own Harry Potter or Know Your Stars.

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ACI sat in a big, cushy armchair as Professor McGonagall strolled in. ACI chuckled, this would be fun.

"Know your stars, know your stars."

"Who's there? Show yourself!"

"McGonagalll loves to hit on Dumbledore."

"I do not! Fifty points from... which house are you in?"

"McGonagall likes to break dance with Mrs. Norris."

"I do not do anything with that filthy cat! Not even as a cat animagus. Wait what is breakdancing?"

ACI gasped loudly.

"You don't like Mrs. Norris? I'm telling Filch!"

"You will do no such thing! Filch causes enough trouble for me already as it is!"

"You're only saying that because you _like_ him. Mcgonagal loves Filch! McGonagall loves Filch!"

"You are a nasty disgusting child. Weeks of detention, in my office, at five o'clock every day!"

"You can't give me a detention. I'm not student!"

"Well, I don't know what your doing here, but when I tell Dumbledore -"

"Oh, going to your Sweetie Pie? I wonder how he'll react when he finds out that you were cheating on him with Filch!"

If it were possible, steam would have shot oout of McGaongall's ears. She stamped out, muttering under her breath about insolent brats.

ACI chuckled, another job well done.

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Taadaaaa! The four chappie is up and running! next up for all you peoples we have none other than Severus Snape!

P.S. Please leave a review!


	5. Victim 5 : Sirius Black

**Chapter One : Sirius Black**

**Disclaimer – **Misshapen Stories does not own Harry Potter or Know Your Stars.

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ACI sat in her large comfy armchair and waited for the next victim. She cracked an evil smile when Sirius Black strolled in and planted himself in a chair.

"Know your stars, know your stars."

"Eh? Who's 'ere? Show yourself."

"Sirius... chose to be a dog animagus because he likes to flirt with the lady dogs."

"What? Who told you that? I'd much rather flirt with padfootandme4ever!"

"That's cause padfootandme4ever is a yellow lab."

"Is NOT! Padfootandme4ever is a very pretty human being!" Sirius retorted as he flicked his hair back.

"Fine. Sirius likes to snog his mother's portrait when he's alone at number 12 Grimauld Place."

"I DO NOT! That is sooooo not true! WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!"

"My source is a house elf who is camera- and print-shy and does not want his name mentioned here."

"I'LL KILL YOU KREACHER!"

"Not if you die first..."

"Wait - WHAT!?"

"Yes, your gonna die. Haven't you read the books?"

"I'm only half way through number four... Don't give away the ending!"

"Cedric dies."

"NOT LISTENING! DIDN'T HEAR YOU!"

He chanted this all the way out the door.

ACI chuckled as she flicked through Sirius's wallet. Aha! There was a small photo of him with his autograph on the back. Padfootandme4ever wanted one of those.

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(This chapter is dedicated to padfootandme4ever.)

Alrighty! The fifth part of Know Your Harry Potter Stars is now in play! Just remember one thing... MISSHAPEN STORIES LIVES FOR REVIEWS!


	6. Victim 6 : Severus Snape

**Victim : Severus Snape**

**Disclaimer** – Misshapen Stories does not own Harry Potter or Know Your Stars.

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ACI wondered who her next victim would be when Snape walked in. She sat back in her comfy armchair and grinned devilishly.

"Know your stars, know your stars."

"What is the meaning of this?"

"Just sit down." Snape sat down.

"Know your stars, know your stars."

"So Snape, how many girls have you raped?"

"None."

"TWENTY, people did you hear that!"

"No I said none."

"Wow you are a lady's man."

"I said I don't rape people."

"Even for a Death Eater that's huge!"

"I don't rape people and that's final."

"That spirit of yours is always hungry, isn't it?"

"I DON'T RAPE PEOPLE!"

"I heard that Hermione is single."

"I WON'T RAPE MY FORMER STUDENT!"

"I never said anything about raping her, wow you are a pervert."

"I AM NOT A PERVET!"

"Yeah you are you want to rape Hermione."

"I DON'T WANT TO RAPE HERMIONE!"

"Eww you want to rape Voldemort?"

"I DON'T WANT TO RAPE MY MASTER!"

"How do you plan to rape yourself?"

"I AM NOT GOING TO RAPE ANYONE!"

"I never said anything about raping."

"I GIVE UP!" Snape left shouting at every woman that he wasn't going to rape anyone.

"That was fun," ACI thought as she saw Snape yell at Voldemort that he wasn't going to rape him.

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Hehehehe! Have fun reviewing us! Well... you will review right??!! Anyway, the next one will be the amighty Loard Voldemort!


	7. Victim 7: Lord Voldemort

**Chapter Seven : Lord Voldemort**

**Disclaimer – **Misshapen Stories does not own Harry Potter or Know Your Stars.

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Just as ACI was waiting for her next victim, Lord Voldemort floated in.

"That was such a bore."

"Know your stars, know your stars."

"Whoever is saying that, you're troublesome."

"Sit down." Voldemort sat down.

"Know your stars, know your stars."

"That phrase is so troublesome."

"Voldemort thinks Fleur and Cho are ugly sluts."

"You're troublesome and a liar."

"Fine then, Voldemort cheats on both of them."

"You're troublesome, a liar, and annoying."

"Fine then, first he thought they were ugly sluts then he cheats with them and finally he dumps both of them for Cedric.

You could see two veins pop on Voldemort's forehead. "I'm not gay."

"You're a stalker!"

"How would I be a stalker?"

"So where's Harry right now?"

"How would I know?"

"And you call yourself a stalker, pathetic."

1,000 veins were popping on the dark lord's face, "YOU WERE THE ONE WHO ACCUSED ME OF BEING A STALKER!"

"I thought stalkers were supposed to be quiet, pathetic."

"I AM NOT A STALKER!"

"Two words, pathetic."

"That's one word," Voldemort said slowly regaining his composure.

"Just because you know math doesn't mean you're a good stalker, as I said pathetic."

"I AM NOT A STALKER and you're troublesome."

"That took you awhile to figure you're not a good stalker, you should quit trying."

"CUT THAT OUT!"

"Fine, so how is your crush on Cedric?"

"I AM NOT GAY!"

"And people say you're the evil one."

"Troublesome."

"Gay."

"AAARRRRRRGGGHHH!"So Voldemort left.

"That was interesting," thought ACI.

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Ives: Yep, the third part is up and running. Now before you so kindly review, may I also remind you that part for is Professor Minerva McGonagall.  
CoCo: I'm so sorry this took so long, people, SHE pointing at Ives forgot to post this. SHE will be punished!!!! MOOHAHA!!! OK I'm calm again...

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	8. Victim 8: Neville Longbottom

**Chapter Eight : Neville Longbottom**

**Disclaimer – **Misshapen Stories does not own Harry Potter or Know Your Stars.

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ACI was poking boredly at a hole in her smooshy armchair when Neville barged in, performing some strange dance. She straightened; it was just what she needed.

"Wha…? This isn't the toilet…"

"Know your stars, know your stars…"

"But I'm no good at astronomy! Can't it be know your plants?"

"Just sit!"

"But I have to _go_!" Neville's face looked a bit pinched.

"Too bad. Hold it. There's lying, teasing and embarrassing to be done."

"Wha--?" But he sat.

"Hmmmm…… how to start……… oooh, got it! Okay, here we go: Neville has a crush on Luna but he's afraid that Draco will dump him!"

Neville flushed. "That's not true! I mean only part of it is true! I mean… arrgh, that's not helping me!"

"So wait, you are going out with Draco?!?!?!"

"Wait – No – I – You're lying!"

"No I'm not."

"Yeah you are!" Neville dashed to a computer, logged onto the Internet, and found the page. "You are! It says so right here by the top: 'Too bad. Hold it. There's lying, teasing and embarrassing to be done.' Proof!"

"I said it had to be done. I didn't say to whom, by whom, when, where, why, how, what or which."

Neville sat back down slowly as his brain attempted (and failed) to digest this statement.

"HA! Okay, new thread: Neville wants to break up with his grandmother, but doesn't know how."

"But that makes no sense. You just said I was going out with Malfoy…"

"I KNOW!!! Seriously, cheating on Malfoy with your own grandmother?!?! I mean, how disgraceful can you wizards get?"

"What…? Okay, one: I'm not going out with my grandmother OR Draco Malfoy; two: … You mean you're not a wizard? Or rather, witch?"

_auto-reply from ACI: One: yes you ARE; two: DUH NO! GODDESS, not WITCH! Jeez, what an insult!_

"Huh? …………Oh dear……… I'm afraid I don't quite follow…… what does she……………" He continued to mutter as he danced frantically toward the john.

ACI grinned. He wasn't screaming, but she succeeded in thoroughly puzzling him… and she wasn't bored anymore.

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Hey, CoCo here! Wow… that was fun. I like Neville. Anyhoo, if you're wondering, I also wrote McGonagall, Ron, and Sirius. I'm gonna put my name on the bottom of the ones I write from now on, so if it's not there, you know the chapter's by Ives.

And by the way, if you didn't follow this: 'He continued to mutter as he danced frantically toward the john.' … the 'john' is yet another British slang word for washroom (along with loo, throne room… the list is endless!)

So leave a review here! Please? I promise I won't bite!


	9. Victim 9: Albus Dumbledore

**Chapter Nine : Dumbledore**

**Disclaimer – **Misshapen Stories does not own Harry Potter or Know Your Stars.

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ACI sat staring into space. A fly buzzed past her ear. She slapped it.

The door opened quietly, and Dumbledore stepped in. He looked around and began to study a picture on the wall.

"Funny… I didn't know there was a room here."

ACI perked up. A challenge had just announced itself.

"Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…"

Dumbledore turned around. "Hmmm? Oh! This must be the room the other professors were talking about at breakfast… Well then, I'd better sit down."

Hmm. He knew the drill…

"Dumbledore… likes Professor Sprout."

"I do. Just as I like all my Professors."

"Dumbledore… hates Harry Potter."

"I'm afraid you're mistaken. I rather enjoy Harry's company."

"Dumbledore… likes to play hopscotch with Fawkes."

"I'm not sure Fawkes would be terribly good at that game… and I haven't played since I was… let's see… 7 years old."

Oooh. He's good.

To break the silence, Dumbledore spoke. "I've heard several stories about you. Did you know you contradict yourself? I believe you mentioned to Harry that Ron was gay, but then you dropped heavy hints that Ron and Hermione were romantically involved."

ACI grumbled. "I just like to get a rise out of people. Which doesn't seem to be working here, Dumble-_bore_."

Dumbledore chuckled. "No one can get a rise out of me. I've had too much practice at countering these things. But I must say, you've put up a good show, and not just with me. If you ever need a hand, I know all the staff's weak points."

He rose from his seat and walked out the door, laughing and stroking his beard. ACI frowned, then smiled. She didn't get a reaction out of him, but at least someone admired her work. She pulled a notepad and a pen out of her pocket and wrote:

Help with Hogwarts staff – contact Dumbledore. Knows weak points.

Did you enjoy that? I hope you did. Please review. By CoCo, by the way.


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